Zoo Problems
by Professor Wolfie
Summary: The Avengers take a trip to the zoo. This is the story of why they cant return to the zoo. Strong language, suggestive themes. Written with Backup Zebo


**Hey!**

 **so this is a one shot I wrote with Backup Zebo, and its a bit weird. But its funny, a lot of this is just Backup Zebo and I goofing off and acting like a high avenger. So its certainly interesting cause we both have found out that we are completely crazy.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Zoo…

When Steve decided that the Avengers needed an "Avengers bonding outing," everyone groaned. But then he suggested the zoo, and some of them were excited. Particularly Thor, Tony, and Clint; Natasha and Bruce realized this adventure would end in disaster. Steve, he naturally figured he could handle whatever his friends would come up with. He knew that Thor loved animals, whether it was earth animals or the animals from the other realms. So Steve imagined Thor would learn some new things about earth's wildlife and enjoy himself. He didn't expect it to turn out like this…

They were all sitting in a police station interrogation room. Steve was holding his head in his hands with his elbows on the metal table, his shirt covered in dirt and dust. His blue jeans were ripped and tattered from what looked like claw and bite marks. His arms were scratched up pretty bad and he had bruising on his arms and legs. Additionally, he was soaking wet, muddy and covered in tiger fur. He looked miserable, completely and utterly drained.

Natasha was holding her head up with her elbow also resting on the metal table, her eyes closed. She didn't look much better than Steve. Her shirt and pants were covered in dirt, she had bandages on her arms and hands, covering odd looking bite marks. Her hair was ruffled and dirty, with leaves in it. And, as if that weren't bad enough, she smelled like fish.

Bruce was leaning back against his chair with head leaning on the wall, eyes closed. His shirt was covered in something that looked distinctly like really dark dirt or poo; he did smell like poo, so that must have been what it was. His clothes were wrinkled and tattered, and he had a black eye.

Clint was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall with his eyes closed; he was covered in Band Aids®, try to cover all his wounds. He was actually scratched up pretty bad, with a few bite marks on his arms as well. His pants were ripped up and covered in mud and dust. He had lost his shirt somewhere along the way, so he was bare-chested. The Band Aids® couldn't hide all the scratches and bite wounds on his arms and legs.

Tony was sitting next to Clint, looking extremely paranoid and traumatized. He was covered in dirt with claw marks and scratches all over his body. His clothes smelled like rotten meat and alcohol, a lot of alcohol. He was drunk and handcuffed.

And Thor … poor Thor … he was handcuffed to the metal table, between Steve and Natasha. He was looking down at his hands, his hair dirty and ruffled. His cape was torn and bitten, covered in animal salvia and blood … his and Steve's blood. His clothes were ripped and his armor was dented from bite marks on it. He was also soaking wet and covered in mud and tiger fur.

They had all luckily received medical attention … but they were still covered in blood, who's or what's blood, they are unsure.

Soon, an officer walked in and looked at them, trying his best to hold a straight face. "The Avengers … one of you is very drunk, another high, the rest of you are hurt. Can you tell me what happened Captain Rogers?" The officer asked.

Being the leader, Steve let out a sigh and began to tell the tale, "Well Officer …"

….

15 hours earlier.

Steve walked onto the tower's communal floor, "Are you guys ready to go?" he asked.

Natasha was sitting at the table quietly drinking her morning coffee, dressed and ready. Clint was eating cereal out of the cereal bag, still in the box. It appeared to Steve that he just poured the milk directly into the bag (disgusting!) Tony and Bruce were dressed and doing something technological that Steve didn't understand, and Thor was dressed in his Asgardian wear, munching on pop tarts and making a mess with the crumbs.

"Some people are," Natasha muttered.

Steve sighed, "Tony and Bruce, start shutting down all your tech. Natasha, try to pry Clint away from the cereal. I'll take care of Thor's mess." Steve began cleaning up crumbs. Bruce shut down his laptop, but Tony did not, so Bruce forced him to. Natasha threw Clint's cereal away (much to his dismay). Then they all headed down to the garage so they could go on the zoo trip that Steve and Bruce had planned as a bonding time for the team.

Once they reached the zoo, Thor was practically bouncing up and down he was so excited. He loved animals so much; they fascinated him to no end and he couldn't wait to see the animals his friends had told him about.

As they walked into the zoo, they were immediately recognized. But when they finished with the autographs, handshakes, and answering questions, they headed to the first exhibit.

But when they got there, Thor didn't like what he saw. Animals in enclosures far too small for their size, high fences, fake rocks, and only a small pond of water. _It was a tiger for Odin sakes! There's barely any room for him! Sure, the enclosure was large, but this was a tiger, and tigers needed massive open spaces._ Thor thought this was madness. "Lord Steven, why in the world is this poor creature locked up in this cage?"

"Because if we let these animals out of their enclosure, they could hurt people. They're wild animals; they can't run free around people," Steve answered honestly.

"They probably aren't wild. Most of these animals are born in captivity," Natasha said quietly, not looking at anything but the tiger, admiring its docile nature, but also knowing it had a deadly side.

"The answer still stands. All these animal still have natural instincts to kill and survive," Steve responded.

"But it is unfair. This creature deserves freedom," Thor said with sad eyes.

"Yes, but it's important to have animals in zoos so that scientists and biologists can study their habits and physiology so that we can learn about them," Bruce chimed in.

"It is still unjust to keep these creatures in captivity," Thor argued.

….

Steve was explaining how this whole episode began that morning.

"Well, as you guessed, Thor didn't like that the animals were pent…"

"I'm sorry Captain Rogers, but how does this tell me anything?" The officer asked.

"Well it's significant because you need to understand why this happened."

"Alright then, carry on Captain Rogers."

Steve glanced at a still silent and very frustrated, angry, and upset Thor. Steve continued, "Okay, well we went on for a while and Thor asked a few more questions here and there. But when we reached the polar bears…," Steve continued his story.

….

13 hours earlier.

The team had just finished seeing the grizzly bears and arrived at the next exhibit, the polar bears. But Thor was outraged when he saw the polar bear. Polar Bears in the wild look naturally white. But, in captivity, they have darker fur. Jane had shown him some animal pictures, including a polar bear, which was completely white because it wasn't in captivity. But this polar bear had darker fur. Thor was not happy, to say the least. "Why does this creature not look like the others Jane has showed me in the pictures!?" He asked angrily.

Not feeling like explaining about polar bears reflective fur, Natasha answered with a simple, "Because it's in captivity."

Steve was mildly surprised that Natasha knew so much about animals, but not too surprised … she was actually quite brilliant. "Then how dare we keep this poor creature in captivity when it may live freely with its fur a beautiful white!?" Thor yelled loudly, quickly drawing attention to himself and the rest of The Avengers.

"Bruce told you Thor; it's so we can study their actions and behavior," Steve responded.

"That is ridiculous! These animals deserve to be free! Not in cages were their fur becomes filthy and where they are unhappy!"

"Goldilocks, you don't know if their unhappy," Tony chimed in.

"I most certainly do! Look at their faces! They are frowning! They are unhappy!" Thor screamed angrily.

"Sometimes animals get hurt in the wild and then they get rescued and they received veterinary care and recover at the zoo," Bruce said quietly.

"Is this creature in rehabilitation?" Thor asked.

"I honestly don't know but I don't think so," Bruce answered.

"Then this is indeed madness! What can I do to free these creatures?" Thor yelled.

"Nothing! Come on Thor, let's move on," Steve said and he pushed Thor to move to the next exhibit.

….

Back at the police station, Steve continued to converse with the officer.

"That makes sense. So is that why he freed the tiger and bears?" The officer asked.

"I think so. I don't know what's going on in his head, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason," Steve answered honestly.

The officer nodded and wrote down some notes, "Anything else that led up to this?" The officer asked.

"Natasha did I miss anything?" Steve asked.

"The penguins," she answered looking infuriated.

"Oh yeah," Steve said with a sigh.

"The penguins?" The office questioned, "Continue the story, please," the officer continued.

Steve nodded, "Well we were fine for a while until we reached the penguins…"

….

12 hours earlier.

The Avengers had left the predatory bird exhibits and reached the exhibit of aquatic birds. That was when Thor fell in love … with penguins!

"WHAT ARE THESE DELIGHTFUL CREATURES?!" Thor screamed.

Tony, Bruce, and Clint shushed him. Clint had been quiet for a while, still half asleep since he stayed up all night watching Star Wars.

"They're penguins Thor," Natasha said quietly, starting to get irritated with his animal rights yelling, and constant questions.

He was mesmerized by the small creatures walking on two, grey, webbed feet. Their white bellies, grey bodies, hint of orange-yellow on their necks and beaks, wings that looked incapable of flight, the penguins had adorable black beaks and cute black beady eyes. Thor saw that they were gulping down fish without a care in the world. He loved them, "I want one," were Thor's only words as he stared at them in wonder.

Natasha raised an eyebrow, "They are actually pretty aggressive, Thor."

"How do you know all this crap about animals? You've been spouting random facts all day!" Tony asked.

"I worked undercover as a zoo keeper for a month. I learned a lot," Natasha answered simply.

"Well okay then," Tony responded quietly.

"Where can I get one of these creatures known as penguins?!" Thor asked with a loud yell, again drawing attention to the Avengers.

"You can't have one; it's a wild animal," Steve deadpanned.

"Not in my tower," Tony said arrogantly.

"I am not going to smell fish for the rest of my stay," Clint responded firmly.

"But I want one!" Thor yelled.

"Thor, you can't have a wild animal," Steve insisted with seemingly never ending patience. Natasha rolled her eyes, this was getting ridiculous.

"I am a God and a Prince! I will have one of these Penguin creatures!" Thor yelled loudly.

….

The offer was shaking his head, "That explains the penguins," he said as he jotted down a few additional notes, "But that doesn't explain the chimps, the lynx, the wolves, and the coyotes."

"I don't know about the lynx, coyotes, and chimps," Steve responded, "But I know about the wolves," he confirmed.

"Oh by all means, please continue," the police officer said. It amazed him the Avengers were this dysfunctional.

Steve nodded, "Well, Thor has pet wolves on Asgard…"

"What's Asgard?" The officer asked.

"Thor's planet."

"Continue."

"Well he has pet wolves on Asgard and they are allowed to roam in his palace, so I guess he assumed that earth wolves were safe and could be trained. I don't know for sure what he was thinking, I just know he was excited when he saw them," Steve answered.

"Alright," the officer wrote some things down in his note pad. "Ms. Romanoff, do you have any possible answers to the lynx and chimp situation?" He asked.

Natasha sighed, "Not for the lynx, but for the chimp, I do, unfortunately, have the answer. It started at the monkey exhibit…" Then Natasha began to tell her story …

….

11 hours earlier.

When The Avengers had arrived at the chimp exhibit, Thor asked, "Why are there small furry humans in cages?"

"They aren't humans, they are relatively similar to humans, but not humans," Bruce replied.

"There is a one percent difference in DNA between chimps and humans," Natasha clarified.

"No way I am related to one of those things!?" Tony said in disgust.

"You're on a different branch of the evolutionary tree Stark," Clint said with a roll of his eyes.

"But technically we are related," Natasha interjected.

"Well if we go by that, it would mean we are related to every animal," Bruce said, ready to get in a debate over evolution with Natasha.

"I am so confused…," Steve muttered.

"If you are related to any of these creatures, then they should not be in cages!" Thor yelled lifting his hammer.

"Oh Jesus Christ," Clint groaned.

"Thor!" Steve yelled, "You can't release them, they are wild animals!"

"Is there a problem here?" A zoo keeper asked after approaching the group.

"No problem," Stark said immediately.

"None at all," Clint said and Natasha snorted.

"INDEED THERE IS!" Thor yelled.

"No there isn't," Steve said with a groan.

"What's the problem sir?" The zookeeper asked Thor.

"THESE CRETURES ARE RELATIVES OF YOU MORTALS AND YOU ARE KEEPING THEM IN CAGES!"

"There's no need to yell sir; these animals are well taken …:"

"WHY MUST YOU LIE? THESE CRETURES ARE RELATED TO YOU MORTALS; THEY DESERVE TO BE FREE!"

"Please calm down sir…"

"I WILL NOT! THIS IS AN INJUSTICE, THESE CRETURES DESERVE FREEDOM! HOW DARE YOU LOCK THEM UP LIKE THEY ARE LOWER THAN YOU!"

The zookeeper was on her walkie-talkie already, "Send security to the chimp exhibit," she demanded.

"Oh god," Clint said and held his head in his hands.

"There's no need to call security ma'am we'll leave," Steve said politely.

But the zoo keeper kept talking into the walkie-talkie, "Send extra, they are the Avengers, it may get ugly."

"Listen lady! Captain America just told you we'd leave. Trust his word and call off your fat mall cops or someone is likely to get hurt," Natasha said, getting up in the zookeeper's face.

Tony held his face in is palm and groaned; Bruce just started walking away.

"Ma'am, you need to step back," the zookeeper told Natasha.

Natasha's green eyes flared up like a wild fire, "How dare you tell me to step back!? I'll do what I want. Now call off your security guards!" Natasha ordered.

Steve watched wearily, "Natasha…"

"Ma'am if you don't step back, we'll have to arrest you and take you to the zoo's temporary prison."

"Aw, you gonna throw me in your little mall jail house! I'm so afraid … Now let us walk out and call your guards off."

"She's the Black Widow … I would listen to her," Clint piped up.

One of the security guards arrived and then at least ten more followed, "Ma'am stand down," the first ordered.

"Natasha, please don't make this worse," Steve pleaded, giving her his best blue-eyed, puppy dog look.

She looked at Steve and sighed with clenched teeth, "Whatever! We're leaving, come on Thor."

Thor grumbled something in Norse and trailed behind her and the rest of the Avengers followed, except Steve, who apologized to the zookeeper and security guards for everything that had transpired. Then he followed The Avengers.

….

Present time.

"Oh, now I remember that," Steve sighed.

"Yeah," Natasha grumbled.

The officer sighed and thought … _These are the people saving the world_ … "Alright, that still doesn't explain the coyotes, lynx, and the hawk…," he said as he took a few additional notes.

"I have no idea …" Natasha and Steve muttered in unison.

"Since the only other sober and sane one in the room is Doctor Banner, do you know anything about those three animals?" The officer asked.

Bruce sighed, "Uhh… The hawk might be because Clint loves hawks... maybe…"

Clint, who reeked of marijuana then spoke for the first time, "Nooo, man, u don't get it. That Hawk, him and me share this...connection... It's like, avian, dude. We gotta flock together, it's our destiny..."

"Awesome…" The officer muttered sarcastically and wrote that down. "And I'm assuming the rest of the animals are just pure animals rights reasons."

"Probably." Steve and Natasha said in unison.

"So let's move on to how this actually happened. We have the reasoning and motive, but how did they pull this off?" he asked looking so disappointed in the world.

….

It didn't take long for everything to go very, very wrong – very, very quickly. The zoo closed at five, but because they were The Avengers, _aka_ the Earth's Mightiest Heroes, the keepers made an allowance (Even though there was trouble previously). Thor, Tony, and Clint had traveled through the exhibits and the latter two's conditions rapidly deteriorated. Tony had just finished his flask of mead and Clint might as well have been three thousand feet in the air, it was safe to say that they were fairly agreeable and impressionable in their states. So, when the god of thunder suggested a little LIBERATION mission, Hawkeye and Iron Man couldn't find much fault in the idea.

"And the beasts shall be free to roam their realm at their pleasure," Thor finished. Clint drew a long puff from his joint and Tony wiped his mouth, his elbow hitting Clint's bicep as they sat on a bench. Luckily, Clint was not exactly alert in his current state.

"Sounds good to me, man. No one should be, like, incapacitat- incarcerate - locked up," Clint responded.

"Fuck yeah, let's do it," Tony agreed. Thor beamed before raising a hand to his chin in thought. Surprisingly, even drunk on a full flask of alien alcohol, Tony was still in possession of his high IQ "Some of the cages are locked using a key card. I could hack into the mainframe and open 'em."

Clint nodded, a motion he continued for the next five minutes, though he did manage to ask a somewhat logical question, "And the rest?"

"WE SHALL BREAK THEM USING BRUTE FORCE! THESE CREATURES SHALL BE FREED!" Thor boomed, causing Clinton to jump. He shrugged, "Works for me."

….

In the police station interrogation room, the officer sighed …, "So Thor got Mr. Barton high and Mr. Stark drunk … oh man … okay ...," he stated as he wrote all this down in his notebook.

"Don't give them that respect, they don't deserve it," Natasha growled.

The officer sighed, "Mr. Stark, I need to know how you could have possibly hacked into the zoo's computer system and opened the animal's cages."

"So …," Tony burst into a fit of giggles and looked at Natasha, "I stole a flash drive from Natasha's purse and …," he continued to giggle, "Then I hacked into the main frame and BOOOMMMM, animals were out. Then Thunder man just beat the other cages!" He slurred happily.

The officer sighed, "Okay and how did no one notice this was going on?" He asked.

Bruce sighed, "I'll answer this one."

Steve and Natasha glanced at one another nervously.

….

"Bruce, have you seen Natasha anywhere?" Steve asked, trying desperately to sound casual. The scientist shrugged as he gazed at the giraffes.

"I think she said something about fitting in better with lions, or tigers, or something," Bruce replied, pointing blindly in the direction of the aforementioned exhibit.

"And Tony and Clint?" Cap asked. Bruce informed him they were with Thor, which reassured Steve they would stay out of trouble - at least Thor was sensible.

Steve thanked Bruce and started toward the big cats. As team leader, Steve was obligated to know where each team member was, including Tasha- that was the only reason he was so interested, not that he had a huge crush on her. No. Not at all.

When Steve reached the lions, he looked around to find it Natasha-less and headed over to the tigers. Things got weird when all he could find were the cats, no black widows. Puzzled, Steve looked around and moved closer to the glass wall between him and the tigers.

"Looking for someone?"

Steve started and whirled around to see a petite figure sitting on a wall at the back of the exhibit.  
"How did you...? I checked... What?"

Through the shadows, he saw a familiar smile grace Natasha's features. With his hands on his hips, Steve started to laugh. Natasha chuckled as he crossed the pavement to sit beside her. They laughed together until they were in hysterics, rocking back and forth. It was a very strange moment. A quietness fell over them as Natasha turned back toward the tigers.

A quietness fell over them as Natasha turned back toward the tigers, "A real contrast, aren't they?"

Steve looked over at her. The light from the streetlight beside them illuminated her hair and cast shadows over her face. He gave a small crooked smile that quickly disappeared when she glanced at him, "I'm not sure I follow, Nat."

Natasha sat sideways on the wall to face Steve, "They could kill you and look beautiful doing it."

"Like you."

Her head snapped around and her intense green gaze held him in place. Her eyes searched his face for reasons unknown to Steve. Suddenly, Natasha's stoic expression cracked with a smile, "If you look close enough, you'll always find a scar amidst the perfection of the fur."

Steve glanced over, "The more scars you find, the more you appreciate the tiger's ability to appear beautiful."

"Well, aren't you the ever optimist, Cap."

Steve laughed and looked down, "Comes with the job, I'm afraid. Optimism and always behaving as Captain America should."

Natasha shifted her gaze to the blond, a sly smirk on her red lips, "And if you didn't have to behave as America's golden boy should? What would you do then?" she asked, biting her bottom lip.

 _'Kiss you'_ Steve thought. But he never could, she'd never feel the same, "I don't know."

She breathed a laugh, "Thought you were supposed to have all the answers."

"So does everyone else." It hadn't meant to sound sad or lonely, but it did, and for once Natasha related to him. He was startled when she took his hand, squeezing it on the wall.

"I don't expect you to have all the answers on your own, Steve," There was a small smile playing on her lips.

"I always thought you hated working in a team. Guess I had it wrong."

"Yes. Yes you did. But it's okay," Natasha said, patting his hand. "Senior citizens tend to get confused." And with that she let go and hopped off the wall, only to take hold of his arm. Steve tried to speak as she dragged him along, though his laughing made it difficult.

"Where are we going, Nat?"

She didn't look back, just kept ploughing forward, Captain America behind her, "I want to see the penguins."

….Bruce was still explaining with severe frustration, "But these two have way to deep emotional wounds, and attachment issues…"

The officer cut him off, "Enough … I get it …," The officer sighed and continued his questioning. "Okay, and what made the sober and clean ones decided it was okay to intervene and try to catch animals with no formal experience?" The officer asked.

Steve went white…, "Uhh… Natasha had been undercover at a zoo…"

Natasha pointed at herself and nodded, then mouthing, "Formal experience."

Steve sighed, "It just kinda happened…"

….

Just a few hours ago ...

Steve had a phone to his ear and he was running at record speeds "He's headed for the tigers. Intercept if you can! I'm in pursuit!" He yelled as he chased Thor.

Thor looked back as he ran, trying to get to the tigers before Steve caught him. He wanted to release the amazing creatures from their cases. They were not electronically locked, so he had to break open the cage with brute force.

The tiger enclosure was, basically, a massive pit; it was a hole dug twenty feet deep and the dirt and wall of dirt was covered with stone, made to look like the habitat a tiger would live in the wild. People could look down on the tigers, protected from the high jumping beasts, while the tigers could enjoy climbing a large rock formation, a pool of water, and the shade of multiple trees. But there were two entrances and exits to the enclosure, one gate, where the tigers could go inside a large metal box to sleep if they chose. (The box was also used to hold the tigers while the keepers put out their food), and another for zoo keepers to unlock, and open and walk in and out if they must.

They were very close to the enclosure now, and Thor vaulted over the fence and fell into the twenty foot deep enclosure, landing sternly on his face. Steve was about to turn and head to entrance of the cage so he could make sure Thor didn't get there first. But, a foot tripped him, a small petite foot. He fell over the side into the enclosure. Natasha looked over the side with wide eyes, "I'm so sorry Steve!"

"Just go make sure he doesn't break the entrance!" Steve yelled and looked over at one of the tigers, who was now chasing Thor. The other two tigers began to walk towards Steve … slowly.

Natasha had never been so angry in her life; Clint was fucking high, Tony was fucking drunk, and Thor was just out of his fucking mind. She ran as fast as she could trying to get to the door of the tiger enclosure, but it was too late. The hammer hit the door and it flew off its hinges. Thor ran out with a tiger chasing him. A few seconds later, Steve ran out, with two tigers chasing him. "ODIN'S BEARD!" Natasha heard Thor yell. "Oh god…," she muttered then heard Steve yell, "OH MY LORD!" followed by a very feminine scream. Why did she choose not to bring a gun today of all days. _Why would she bring a gun to a zoo? Because she should've known this would happen._ She then heard loud hawk screeching. "Oh no…," she muttered as she ran towards the aviary. Clint was going to be so dead when they finally got out of this…

When Natasha arrived at the avian exhibit, she yelled, "OH MY GOD CLINT!"

"FEEL THE BIRD BE THE BIRD!"

"What have you done!" She yelled.

"I've found my true self! I'M A BIRD!" he said giddily with a grin as he hugged a penguin that was gnawing on his arm. Clint didn't seem to mind. He also had a scarlet macaw on his shoulder, "Can you see it Nat!? My spirit in the sky!" He said with a laugh and a sloppy, drunken grin.

Natasha looked around at the twenty penguins running around, and then looked up … a hawk … it was circling the zoo – more specifically – the primate and canid exhibits. "Shit," she muttered. Natasha needed to handle the situation carefully. She thought, _hopefully Bruce is dealing with Tony and Steve has Thor under control (and hopefully he hasn't killed him). I can handle Clint – maybe._

"Clint buddy, I know you love the birds but you need to put that penguin down. Okay…?" She spoke delicately.

"But I don't want to…"

"Clint you're bleeding. The penguin has bitten you multiple times, and it looks like a piece of your ear is missing. We need to get these birds back in their homes…" She felt like a mother; _this is ridiculous_.

Clint was surprised, so he looked down at his arm, "Wow! I am bleeding!" He sounded exasperated and amazed at the same time. Clint put the penguin down, "Carl you bit me! How could you…?"

 _Carl?_ Natasha thought, "Okay Clint, it's time we put Carl and his friends back in their home okay?"

Clint nodded slowly and lifted Carl up, slowly walking to the penguin enclosure. Natasha let out a sigh of relief, at least he was being cooperative. Quietly she reached down to pick up another of the penguins. It lunged its head forward and snapped its beak down on her hand. "Shit!" She yelled angrily. Then she tried to get her hand out of its mouth and it wouldn't let go. Natasha got to her knees and tried to pry the penguin's mouth open, but there was no place she could fit her fingers without getting stabbed by tiny, razor sharp teeth. "OW!" She yelled as another penguin bit down on her arm; then another on her other arm, and a fourth on her leg, "Oh my god!" she yelled.

"YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT NATASHA. YOU HAVE TO BE THE BIRD!" Clint yelled.

She tried to shake the penguins off, "FUCK YOU CLINT!"

….

Bruce had followed Tony to the primate exhibit and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Tony and the capuchin monkeys were sitting in a tree together. As Tony pet one monkey on the head, a second sat on his shoulder, picking leaves out of his hair.

The sight seriously disturbed Bruce. There were animals running amuck at the zoo; what on earth has happened and how? "Tony, get down from there!" Bruce ordered.

"No!"

"Tony!"

"You can't make me!"

"Ugh. Tony Stark, if you don't get down this instant I will Hulk out!"

Tony looked like a child caught with his hand stuck in a cookie jar. Slowly he got down and the capuchin monkeys scattered, running out of their exhibit. Tony walked out, stumbling every few steps. "Tony, we need to get these animals back in their cages."

"No!" Tony screamed and he ran into the chimp enclosure.

"Tony NO!" Bruce yelled and ran after him, running into the enclosure himself. Feces was flung at him by disgruntled chimps and he was hit multiple times. All he wanted was to get Tony and get out! Finally, as Tony was climbing up one of the artificial trees in the enclosure, Bruce grabbed his leg and yanked him down.

"OWWW," Tony yelled, overdramatically, "Brucie, that's not nice!"

"I don't ca…" He was interrupted by the sound of snarling, barking, howling, and grunting.

Both Bruce and Tony looked up to see wolves, coyotes, and African wild dogs walking and running in the primate exhibit. "Oh god. Tony we have to be qui…"

He was cut off by Tony screaming, "OH MY GOD THOSE ARE WOLVES!" Alerting the canids of their presence in the chimp enclosure.

Coyotes and wolves began running into the enclosure, "Jesus!" Bruce ran up the tree and sat with the primates as Tony tried to climb. He was pulled down by a coyote that had snared his pants leg.

….

Steve finally got away from the tiger. He was just about to breathe a sigh of relief, but then he saw it…

Thor, riding on the back of a Kodiak bear, "Thor get off the bear!" Steve yelled.

"Never!" He yelled and charged forward on the bear towards Steve.

"THOR STOP, STOP AHG!" And he began running…

….

"ONWARDS EMU!" Clint yelled from his spot, on the back of an emu.

"Sir dismount the emu and put your hands up!" The shout came from a female officer with an Irish accent.

Now in Clint's mind, bird songs filled the air, and the emu turned into a unicorn. The not so great reality was a confused and frustrated female Irish officer was shining a flashlight on him "Sir, dismount the emu or I'll have to use force..."

Again, in Clint's stoned state of mind, he saw Officer Jamie Hennessy as the most beautiful woman in the world and he himself, a knight. "Dude, you're eyes are like ... you have them ... so do I ... we're, like, connected..."

Totally dumfounded and frustrated, Officer Hennessey whispered something angrily in Gaelic and then held up her tazer, "Dismount the emu or I'll be forced to shoot."

Clint grinned and his grey eyes sparkled, "You're so ... fabulous ..."

Officer Jamie Hennessey had been called a lot of things by guys out of their tree ... but fabulous was not one of them. "Uhhh, thanks? If you come down to this level, we can talk even more." She shrugged at her partner and she shook her head in astonishment.

"I'll do anything for you!" Clint tried to get off the emu, but that wasn't as easy as climbing on. He fell on his head.

Officer Hennessy muttered something under her breath, something that sounds an awful lot like, "You fecking eejit," before kneeling beside the now grounded Hawkeye. "Sir, are you alright?"

Clint grinned, "Ocifer ... you may fall from the sky ... you may fall from a tree ... but the best way to fall ... is in love with me...," Clint said, screwing up the word officer.

Jamie could hardly believe she was being hit on by one of The Avengers. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as she tell she was visibly blushing. She cleared her throat awkwardly and quickly glanced at her sniggering colleagues. "We-uhh- he might have sustained a severe head injury."

Clint cut her off by wagging his finger at her, before pointing at his stomach, "The only injury I have is the one you healed in my heart."

"Oh, dear Lord..."

"Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?" Clint asked, grinning like a mad man, his eyes dilated, showing how obviously high he was.

Jamie turned her head away and bit her lip to conceal her laughter. Clint was excited when she took his hands. When she put his hands behind his back, she slapped on the handcuffs and stated, "I have a better idea. Why not let the nice man at the station take a photo of you, just so I can remember you."

"Oh, okay!" He grinned.

She smiles at him as she escorts him into the police car, returning his wave before virtually collapsing against the rear window, laughter racking her body. "Sweet holy mother of divine Jesus... What the hell are these people doing? Why are THEY the ones we trust to save the world?"

They could hear the roar of a nearby lion echoing across the zoo. Jamie turned to her coworker and pointed towards the sound, "You're fecking turn. I'm taking this one to the station. By any chance, is that plexi-glass separating him and I, soundproof?" She asked.

Her partner shook his head and over the coms came the terrified voice of another officer, "Captain America … Thor … big bear…," He was breathing heavily. Jamie'spartner ran off.

….

"So, he's the one who hit on Jamie…," the officer chuckled.

"That's her name!?" Clint grinned, "Jamie ... is so … fabulous."

The officer looked at Clint, not even surprised anymore. He was sure he's seen and heard everything now. Natasha face palmed with a groan and Steve shook his head. "So, we know how all of the true madness started. But it doesn't explain: one, Ms. Romanoff running from llamas; two, Mr. Rogers fighting a bear with Mr. Odinson; and three, Mr. Stark trying to either snuggle or pathetically fight off a coyote while Dr. Banner was hiding in a tree, with various species of primates." The officer stated with a sigh. _And these are the people who saved the world?_

"Well, apparently … tigers don't like bears…," Steve said awkwardly.

"And apparently angry penguins are widely disliked by llamas…," Natasha said quietly.

Soon the door to the interrogation room opened and Officer Hennessey walked in, "Sir, the zoo does not wish to press charges, under one condition – that no Avenger steps in the boundaries of the zoo, ever again…," she announced, matter-of-factly.

Clint grinned, "JAMIE, I LOVE YOU!"

She groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose, turned, and walked out of the room.

….

Steve and Natasha were the last to leave the station and they climbed into a nearby cab together. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Natasha spoke, "I don't think we'll be getting Christmas cards from the staff at the zoo for a while," she said with a sigh.

Steve could not contain his smile as he glanced sideways at her. Natasha turned away from the window and returned the smile. "They'll send Clint self-help brochures instead," Steve replied. Natasha let out a laugh before covering her mouth. Steve felt proud of himself for making her laugh.

"Yeah, he can build a new nest," Nat joked.

"A self-helpven," Steve finished. Natasha laughed even more and leaned forward. He joined in and they rocked back and forth until their sides hurt. After such an absurd and a stressful evening, the two could be forgiven for their behavior. Steve eventually sat back up in his seat and let his head rest on the seat back. Natasha was suddenly overcome with tiredness and she let her head fall onto Steve's shoulder and her eyelids droop closed.

The last thing she said was, "Pepper is going to go ape-shit on us."

"I would think more capuchin monkey-shit myself."

….

In an office at SHIELD headquarters, Coulson sat pinching the bridge of his nose, looking at the accident report and the massive stack of files caused by the Avengers, "Be their handler he says. It'll be perfect for you he says!" He signed off on a check for damages to the zoo, "Dammit Fury, I blame you for this. Jesus Christ, I'm talking to myself…"

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed guys! Don't forget to check Backup Zebo out!**

 **This will hopefully help me start writing Asgard's Avengers, I have some serious writing block, and I've recently lost a lot of motivation for writing.**

 **Don't forget to fav, follow, and review. Reviews are love!**

 **talk to ya'll later!**


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